“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” 

-Brene Brown- 

Caring for another person can be very rewarding and, in most cases, it is an act of love and compassion. Healthy, safe and nurturing relationships need boundaries. 

We need boundaries to establish personal identity and limits, enhance self-esteem, promote mutual respect in the relationship; to take responsibility for one’s own life, feelings, choices and roles, reduce conflicts and misunderstandings and encourage open and honest communication. 

But… setting boundaries is hard. 
Boundary setting asks something of us.  

Boundary setting asks us to get clear on our own needs, values and personal limits. It asks us to release feelings of guilt towards the person we care for and communicate our needs. Boundary setting asks us to let go of feelings of fear about how the other person might respond. 

Here are a few practical tips to support you 

Self-awareness: The first step in boundary setting is understanding yourself. Get clear on your needs, values and personal limits. What are you comfortable with, what makes you sad, angry, uneasy. Knowing yourself and knowing what is right for you is essential in conveying your boundaries to others. 

Be clear and direct in your communication: Be clear and specific when communicating your boundaries. Use “I” statements, avoid over-explaining and voice clear expectations. 
E.g. “It makes me uncomfortable when you raise your voice at me. Please speak to me calmly.” 

Stay calm and consistent: When you get pushback on your boundary (which will happen at first), try not to get defensive or emotional. Calmly reiterate your boundary and stick with it. Consistently enforcing your boundaries is crucial. If you let it slide, it sends mixed signals and leads to confusion and more conflict. 

Practice active listening: A two-way understanding is fundamental in a relationship. Just as you express your boundaries, listen to the other person’s needs and boundaries with empathy. 

Respect the other person’s boundaries: You must respect the boundaries of your care recipient just as much as your own. Look for alternative solutions when appropriate. 

Focus on the positive outcome: When you are finding it hard to set and keep a boundary, highlight the benefits of the boundary, both for yourself and potentially for others. 

Revisit boundaries when needed: Boundaries are flexible and evolve over time and as your needs and that of your care recipient change. Regularly reflect on whether they are still appropriate and adjust them as necessary. 

Build a community outside of your caregiving relationship: Consciously diversify your community to avoid spending time solely with the person you care for. Set an expectation that you need a wide circle of support for you and for your care recipient. Building connections outside of your caregiving relationship will help you both come back to the relationship with renewed energy and perspectives. 

Are you a caregiver? Are you looking for support? Community & Home Assistance to Seniors can help! Reach out to us at 905-713-6596 or seniorshelp@chats.on.ca .